Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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