we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
