dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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