yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
