he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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