Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
