drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
