dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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