No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
