I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Randomize
