I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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