What's proper 1 nite stand etiquette?
Say hi to his dad and make him some breakfast.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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