Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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