Well apparently he's into motor boating.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
