I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
