So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Found your dick twin last night
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
