I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
