dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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