No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
