It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
