youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
