I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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