I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
