Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
