This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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