I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
is wine microwaveable?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
