Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
