just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
