Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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