Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
