then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Randomize
