bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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