Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
