i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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