no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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