I can text with my tongue
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
Randomize
