Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
