Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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