I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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