Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
