Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
