When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
