i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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