I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
