Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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