rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
