You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
