she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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