We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
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