living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
