you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
