I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
