He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
