im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Randomize
