she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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