I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
