Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize