then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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