Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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