you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
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