True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize