My nipple is on Facebook.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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