i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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