NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
