So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
