oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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