The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize