This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
