taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
