So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
