Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
