You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
